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November 24, 2013 @ 1:59 AM

Burden

“The loudest arguments happen in your own head, and your greatest opponent, is yourself.”

nope. Currently it's me against the world.

Oh you have no idea how many conversations are going on in my head right now. Just the many versions of me talking to myself. Yes, another emo emo post by me because I can't find the mood to post a happier one. Or a proper reason to even do so. (It's not helping when JJ Lin's sad love songs are playing right now)

So while I'm supposed to be worrying about my last 2 A levels paper (MCQs!) and doing practice papers, my brain has decided to fast forward and worry for my future instead. Expected from paranoid WanQi eh? I can't help it. I just kept reading those negative comments on forums about foreigners in Singapore and go like "Oh god I'm one of those foreigners everyone in SG hate except I'm not exceptionally smart or extraordinary. Neither do I have superb skills that make me stand out." I can already picture my future. Jobless. Lonely. Hated on. Oh what a great way to spend my future.

It's even more true now that companies have to advertise their job vacancies to locals and PRs before even trying to employ a foreigner. Yeah so what if I'm a foreigner who studied in SG since I was 7. So what if I paid enormous sums of school fees and living expenses just to study in SG. I'm just another average 'job stealer' in others' eyes. Yes I was lucky enough to be born into a middle class family where my dad has the ability to send me 'overseas' to SG to study English because he knows that the world is beyond what is taught in M'sia and seriously do you have any idea how many kids from JB travel to SG daily to study? Yes I'm talking about primary school kids waking up at 4.30am to travel 2 hours without their parents to school. Welcome to my childhood.

But now I belong to nowhere.
SG doesn't need someone like me. Foreigner, not exceptional at anything, just plain old girl with no skills. Oh easy, just go back to where I came from right? A bridge away...
Problem: I know English, but I forgot everything I knew (however little) about Malay.
How am I going to survive when I don't even know the basic language that everyone communicates with?

My A levels results will probably suck because, let's admit it, I didn't study as much as I should have and it's totally my fault. 1st choice I have to make for my future is my uni course (assuming I can even get into one..) but..
study in SG, sign bond, tied to SG for 3 years even though noone wants to hire me?
Leave SG, spend more money on education, then..?
STAY OVERSEAS?
COME BACK TO SG AND FACE MORE DIFFICULTIES FINDING A JOB?!
OR JUST STAY JOBLESS FOREVER BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS YOU??!!

yeah I know the kdrama solution to all these:
Find a rich guy and get married. Live happily ever after.

Okay I should start jogging around the Bukit Timah estate area, looking for 'chaebols'.

From what I see, there is no solution. I shall hide in my shell forever and not be a burden.
It's always weird to voice my problems to friends since... honestly they just give the sympathetic looks because it's not like they can do anything. And I'm probably a job stealer in their eyes too right. -facepalm- I'm brainwashing myself...

I'm just overwhelmed that the choice I have to make in the next few months will probably determine how my life turns out. What if I make the wrong choices? Oh my this is becoming a really sad post. urgh

Can someone lift me out of all the sadness?
oh yes Tumblr I'm looking right at you. Thanks for always being there for me.
This just shows how pathetic my life is omg. Is Tumblr huggable?

“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”
-Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar (Cheryl Strayed)